Boy am I a lazy blogger. What follows is something I dashed off and submitted to "McSweeney's." An interesting site if you've never been there. They turned it down, but I figured I could put it somewhere for my vast audience here.
Pop-Wow
“Here they are again,” thought Sandy.
Another Wednesday, another meeting of the “Plotters to Overthrow the Present World Order of Worthlessness.” Or POP-WOW, for short. The five members came up with the name when they were seven years old. Now they’re all thirty-two, but are still plotting to take over the world and refine their plans over weekly breakfasts at Arnie’s Midnight Diner. Breakfasts of blueberry pancakes and three side orders of bacon.
“Because blueberries are brain food,” claims Dorothy Lemberson, mother of seven. “Bacon contains the fat that is an essential ingredient for lubricating a body’s joints. Jewish people can substitute lamb and goat fat, but vegetarians are just out of luck. That’s why they are so grumpy.”
Each member of POP-WOW has at least five kids. Sandy believes part of the plot has something to do with re-populating the world with their own families. The waitress in their section (for they sit at the same table, even waiting for it if it’s occupied) for the past ten years, Sandy has picked up bits and pieces of their plans as she takes orders and delivers the plates and refills. They’ve come to trust her, content in the opinion that she is just not smart enough to comprehend their plans.
Oh, she’s smart enough all right. Smart enough to comprehend that they’re fully-functioning delusionals. It’s a side effect of a dose of radiation the received one day when they were all three years old. Of all the horrific claims scientists have made about exposure to radioactivity, the one that affects these three is never mentioned. Sandy knows, she’s checked dozens of websites dedicated to the topic on the Internet. They suffer no physical abnormalities, just two mental ones. Delusions of grandeur and an inability to stay on topic.
The story of these five begins in March of 1979, when the nuclear power plant at Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania leaked radiation into the atmosphere. Through a trick of nature, a dose of this radiation was swept up above the clouds, floated north and deposited itself on the playground of the Mildred Middlestone Preschool in Williamsport, PA. Most of the kids were inside, but Dorothy (then Sanders) and four of her playmates were lollygagging by the sand box and were dosed with a powerful dose of radiation. Their teacher, Miss Cleoletta Ferndale, noticed they glowed when they came inside. Other than a quickly fading electro-magnetism that tugged at the metal on anyone who approached them, doctors at Williamsport Community Hospital couldn’t find anything wrong and their parents, striving to not frighten the children, told the kids that they had had magic fairy dust sprinkled on them and were now exceptional children. As three-year-olds, the kids didn’t know what to make of this. By age seven, they had decided it meant that they would rule the world. It seems that Brently Krawonski had seen Madonna proclaim on the old TV show “American Bandstand” that her ambition was to “rule the world” and that sounded like a good idea to Brently and his friends.
Over the years, the plans had evolved from hording apples to throw at anyone who tried to stop them, a plot exposed when Dorothy’s older brother Kent got hold of her journal and took to the story to the local paper, which did a “human interest” on the eight-year-old girl, to the present plot, which has something to do with jet packs and convincing governmental leaders to hire the five as consultants. Once they are imbedded in various world governments, or possibly the United Nations to make it simpler, they will take over.
How the five remain convinced that they are capable of leading the world has been reinforced by seminal events in their lives. Dorothy was president of her sorority at Slippery Rock University, thus feels she’d be an excellent World President. Byron Peters was the QB for Williamsport High’s football team in 1992 and 1993 and sees himself as “Commander of the Newly Assembled Armed Forces,” despite the fact that his leadership skills on the football field resulted in a record of 0-18. Brently has invented 124 different useful gadgets for the home such as the “sock vacuum” and the “hanging cat hotel.” None of the 124 has attracted any interest from investors, but Brently remains convinced he’s a genius. After all, that is what his mother always told him and she promised to never lie to him. He’s in line to become “Commerce Commander of the Colonies.” Sally Wiggins has chaired committees for the PTA and her church guild every year since high school graduation, thus will make a perfect “World Events Coordinator” and looks forward to adding knitting and candle making to the Olympics. Finally, Daniel Beaulieu will use the knowledge he gained in the Boy Scouts, where he earned a merit badge in forestry (his only merit badge), to reverse global warming.
Sandy’s opinion of the plan is that it seems rather silly, but the group insists that sounding silly will help them catch the world unaware. However, the inability to stay on topic manifests its by making the five to be agreeable on every idea that one of them brings forth, without debating or discussion of anything. Thus, when one comes up with a plan, they all immediately agree. When one of them suggests a change, they again agree. So, the plan is constantly in flux, destined to never be fulfilled.
This “agreeableness” might also explain why they all have five or more kids.
So, for now, Sandy serves them their pancakes and bacon and they launch into the latest variation on their plot. Daniel has just suggested putting a video on YouTube to explain their plan to the masses. The suggestion has been unanimously approved. As they do every week, they invite Sandy to join them so they can have an opinion of the “common woman.” She thanks them for the offer but turns it down. She has other tables to tend to and knows they’ll give her a big tip, as the five never were very good at math. To figure out a 15% tip, they multiple the bill by 15, rather than. .15.
Though no one takes POP-WOW seriously at present, if someday a plot for world domination has its genesis in Williamsport, PA, don’t say you haven’t been warned.
